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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Okay, so I'm not going to do an intensive review (as there's been one done above me and I agree with every point), I do have some points to make.
First, I have to ask about the blood. You said before that she was bleeding heavily, where is the blood? I thought maybe the snow covered it but you don't talk about any snow falling.
Also, as the person above pointed out, why is he so nice to her? It doesn't make any sense for him to be as nice to her as he is, unless he's some sort of defect. You could twist this and make him drag her back to his tribe to use as negotiation but I don't know.
There's also the question of why they're at war? Are they two tribes of the same species? If so, why didn't he look for her wings?
I'm intrigued by these little objects that keep popping up. The amber Johls in this one and there was one that she held in the first chapter. What are they? What significance do they hold to the story?
Otherwise, this was very well written and ended with a cliffhanger that makes me think that he's going to kill her for fire. Although, that wouldn't be very clever. Or maybe he's going to take her back to the tribe even though he knows they'd kill her on sight because of the war. You could go a lot of ways with this ending.
I like your concepts. Keep writing and be sure to keep me informed.
Kasim.
Hey ! Here, as requested. I guess I'll just get on with it.
- I believe the part when Gatlin (or Gattlin - which one is it?) speaks, I think it would be better to put his thoughts in italics, it'd be easier to separate his speech from his inner discussions with himself, k?Firstly:
- I really like the use of a phrase which would only make sense in your world. Good technique to draw your audience in.
- unnecessary repetition here.
- whoever this is.
- actually, this whole sentence is confusing
- you repeat the 'fire' twice. Maybe use crackle of wet wood?
(no need of comma)
- while he tried to stay warm, maybe? To get warmer, he would either get closer to the fire, or start moving.
- This is good.
- I think the thought should be in italics, too. Or, rephrase this to make the words relate to Verdeyan's mind.
- this is used better to relate the thoughts to the man. Still - italics if you want them.
- Great cliffhanger here!
Overall
Okay, so it's been the second chapter, and I am beginning to understand the world you've created. But, I still have some questions - why are the two tribes at war? And if they are, why is Gattlin not hostile towards her? Also, isn't Verdeyan hurt? I recall her bleeding and severing her body in the first chapter. Gattlin doesn't see this, and does nothing to help?
Just some questions that arose in my head, but I am really loving the concepts you put in here.
I see great potential in this, so please keep me in touch with whatever you're doing, it's great.
Great cliffhanger, and I'm eager to read more!
Keep up the great work,
polly xx